


Destroy me

by orphan_account



Category: The Infernal Devices Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Discussion of Death, Fluff and Angst, Heronstairs angst, Jem is sad and scared, M/M, Will is sad and scared, happy ending (kinda)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-07 10:37:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13432932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: There was no William Herondale without James Carstairs





	Destroy me

It was already dark when Jem and Will walked back to the institute after they had paid Magnus a visit.

  
"I wouldn't want to be immortal." Will looked at his Parabatai, confused. "Seeing everyone you love die and not dying yourself? It's cruel", Jem continued.

Will let out a bitter laugh.  _Oh, the irony_ , he thought. 

"What is so funny?"

  
Will stopped, looking at his best friend, almost angry. He knew it wasn't James' fault that he had to die sooner than the usual shadowhunter, but it pained him, thinking about it and Will couldn't help but blame his Parabatai for leaving him.

  
"It's always cruel, seeing someone you love die. Immortal or not."

  
Jem let out a sigh. "Don't start this again." The silver-haired boy looked at him with tired eyes, like every time he had started to talk about this.

  
"I'm going to die. And I'd rather do it sooner than later." At this Will grabbed Jem by the shoulders pulling him out of the street into an empty alleyway.

  
"Don't ever say something like that again!" The tears stung in his eyes but he kept his gaze on his Parabatai's silver shining eyes.

  
Jem avoided his gaze, trying to push himself away from the cold wall Will had pushed him against. " _Please_. I'm too tired to do this right now. You know it's going to happen and neither of us can do anything to prevent it", he explained.

  
"Don't do this to me", Will pleaded, his hands now cupping James' face. "You know, I can't do this without you."

  
Silence filled the air as James finally looked at his Parabatai. Will knew that look, full of regret and sadness. He hated it, hated Jem for doing this to him and hated himself for letting it hurt him.

  
"I can't live without you." It was merely a whisper, Will wasn't sure Jem had heard it until the other boy leaned into him, closing the little space that had been left between the two of them and pressing his lips to Will's.

  
The dark haired boy pulled Jem closer by his waist, tangling his other hand in silver hair, as he kissed him back.

  
The kiss only lasted a few short seconds until Jem pulled away, tears filling his eyes. "I'm sorry. I can't do this to you, you're right."

  
"Don't apologize. Never apologize for that. I-" He couldn't finish the sentence. He didn't need to. Will could tell Jem knew what he had wanted to say.

  
_I love you. I need you. Don't leave me now._

  
"I can't give you what you deserve, William." The words stung, as Jem said them but Will shook his head.

"Yes, you can." Will sounded desperate.

  
"You deserve a lifetime of love. I can give you a few months at most."

  
"A few months are enough for me, as long as I can spend them loving you", Will whispered, wiping away the few tears that had rolled down Jem's cheek.

  
His Parabatai smiled sadly. "I would love to believe that but you know that is not true. I see it in your eyes. You blame me and yourself for something we have no control over and I don't blame you for that but it is going to destroy you, Will."

  
William took a step back, his Parabatai's words had taken him by surprise. Deep down he knew that James was right. It would destroy him beyond repair but he didn't care.

  
There was no William Herondale without James Carstairs. No life for him without his best friend, his Parabatai,  _his love_  by his side. He couldn't imagine the day he would stop loving Jem. So why should he care what happened to himself after his love was gone?

  
"So you'd rather destroy me now?" Will's voice cracked. "Don't you get it? I love you and I will be miserable anyway and so will you. Don't even try to deny it." He paused looking at the ground and then back at Jem.

"Let me give you these last few months, stop pushing me away because you're scared of what happens to me after you're gone. Think about yourself for once because the truth is: I'm only happy when I'm with you and there is no way you can prevent me from being miserable when you're gone, especially not by pushing me away now."

  
Jem gazed at his Parabatai for a long time, saying nothing and Will felt sick. He had never intended to pour his heart out to him, not like this anyway.

  
Will was about to turn around and walk away when Jem took a determined step towards him, pulling the dark haired boy into a tight hug.

  
"I love you, too. I'm just... I'm scared", he explained, burying his face in Will's neck.

  
"Me too." Will carefully brushed his hand over Jem's hair. " _I'm scared, too."_


End file.
